On Becoming Your Parent's Guardian - Role Reversal

When our parents seek help on small tasks they've easily handled in the past, it can come as a surprise. The indecision creeps in slowly on little cat's feet starting with hesitation over making minor decisions about things they've handled effectively for years.

My mother asked, "How much rice goes in the pot and how long should I cook it?" I gently reminded her that she'd cooked rice for many more years than I had.

Small tasks became more difficult as time passed. In a way, being asked for advice from a parent was flattering. What I didn't know was that the tide had begun to turn; the child was becoming the parent one small step at a time.

Things went along smoothly as our new relationship emerged. I became more of an equal to someone who had always shown authority and control. This awesome responsibility is not to be taken lightly. It arrives with its own baggage, setbacks, and joy. Friends my age shared that they'd been also called upon to provide advice to parents.

My best friend shared the frustration she experienced when trying to persuade her mother to use her supplemental oxygen like she's supposed to. Another friend tried to convince her mother to use the hearing aide she clearly needs. She shared the frustration of constantly having to repeat herself to her mother. How familiar it seemed to be interrupted mid-sentence by someone who years ago said, "Not now, Mother is speaking." But the shoe is suddenly on the other foot.

Aunt Lou at 94

A stay-at-home mom of the fifties, my mother began her mid-life career with little or no employment experience. She left nurse's training to get married in 1945. After her thirty-year marriage ended, she took vocational training and embarked on a career as a Certified Nurse Assistant at the age of fifty.

Suddenly she asked for advice on dating, grocery shopping and apartment hunting, advice she'd provided me in the past. Mom's new life as a single, sole-provider spanned the next thirty years. Her experience of taking a job outside the home added skills, confidence and a sense of accomplishment. On her eightieth birthday, she officially retired from a second career as a Teacher's aide.

Reality struck when Mom went into the hospital for a month. Although I'd always been a co-signer on her checking account, it became my job to manage her bill paying. Looking over her checkbook register revealed a level of forgetfulness. There were unpaid insurance bills and past due notices tucked away in drawers.  Thankfully, Mom was glad to be rid of the responsibilities of balancing the bank account and paying the bills.

Driving soon became another challenge when she reached her eighties. With diminished reflexes and increased fragility, it was no longer safe for her to be behind the wheel. She no longer felt confident on the road anymore. It is the opposite of the day we first got behind the wheel of a car in our teens, a life-altering decision which makes a senior dependent on others for their basic needs to get to doctors' appointments, pick up groceries, or even visit a neighbor.

What a relief it was when she turned her car keys over without being asked. Not everyone is that practical when the time comes to stop driving and this can be a source of friction for concerned relatives.

The two sisters, well into their 90s, still functioned independently in so many important ways although living in a  skilled nursing home due to health, vision, hearing and memory impairments.

One thing remains certain in our relationship. It is the unshakable friendship of my Mom, my true friend. She is a blessing and reminds me in so many ways that I'm the lucky one. They both make me proud